Blind Deaf and Numb...10-31-05
Mood:  blue

Blind Deaf and Numb

Written October 31st 2005

I have not to say
What vile things i hold
For I have been told
If its not nice than its not worth saying at all
And it's true
Better vented throught words, poems
A hate letter shredded and burnt
So it may dissapate into the earth and be gone forevermore
Ive quit i tall now
Until somone starts shit with me again
But next time
I hope
I wont explode
As i did
Though i wish to tell her off
Strangle until she turns blue
I am better than that and her in so many ways
And its he who is missing out
On the great person i am
Sucks for him..
Sucks for him..
So blind and beaf and numb to around him
He may never see..
Oh how he may never see...

10/26/05
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Poem
It wasn’t much news
When I was told u 2 are together
Big surprise
Woopty fucking do for you
I said that it wouldn’t be fore long
I’d make sure of it
Well I’m not going to waste my time on you
Cause you never cared about me
Did you?
That was all a fucking lie too,
We were all a lie
You and I
If I cut myself would you care?
No
I wont
I’m better than that
Wishing death upon that slut u are with however
I’m not
And yes
I called her a slut
Cause it’s the truth
And I hope she fucking breaks your heart too
I guess I didn’t have that bad of an impact on you
To knock some sense into you
She fucking dies too
I will tell her
Anyone
To the face what I have to say
I’m not afraid of her
I’m the one you gotta fucking worry about
See what you’ve done to me?
It’s a good and bad thing in one
I can speak again
All I have to do is ask her
Become all buddy buddy to her
Wanna help me kill someone?
And if she asks what to do
Ill say
Start cutting you wrists darling
Straight up the middle
I hope you honestly get what’s coming to you
Cause you fucking deserve it
All of you
O god how I’ve hated her for so long
And now
I scheme
Nothing real
A slow painful death
Drowning in bitter tears of sorrow
The best way to die
Morbid and cynical…
I know
But guess what
I fucking love it bwhahahahahahahahhahahah
Johnny’s pretty comparable now
It’s kinda funny
Actually
Yet I won’t submit to the blade
A hopeless addiction
Means of getting attention
NO
Like I said im better than that
I better than you and I won’t stoop down to your level
For a minute of glory?
Or a world of hate
Just face it hun
You all made me this way
I hope your fucking happy now both of you
Blessed fucking be


Cynical
But not all truthful
I’m pissed off and you know
Imp not going to waste my time on you fools
You go on playing your little game
Saying you’re little lies
But when life crumbles down around you and you aren’t so high and dry,
Don’t come crying back to me
You all have what’s coming to you
That’s the way life is
So deal
A critical leanse quote I had the other day
The irony
Haha irony
How I do love thee
You are me
And I
Am you
People see me as this bubbly happy person
But it’s only a mask
Inside of me I use to hide
I’m an evil malice selfish bitch inside
I am human
We all are
And this is jus the animal side of me that resides in us all
Baring its hideous ugly fangs
Showing through in my writing
Just be lucky she won’t show herself in public
She has her limitations…
Isn’t my language lovely?

Mmmm..Fritos..i mean...Welcome!
Mood:  hungry
If ur seeing this then you probably have gotten the addy from me causei gott he guts to give it to you or wll, i doubt anyone would find this by mistake lol neways here they are..my shitty ass poems lol...theres only 10 now but theres still acouple i havent gotten on yet..so yea enjoy....lol

Tortured Soul 10/17/05
Mood:  blue
Topic: Poem

Tortured Soul
10/17/05

I have written til my hands grow numb
Nails digging into my flesh
Until I bled
Inside I’m screaming
The truth
Tis but a whisper upon my lips
Trying to speak around you
Is like that of a tortured creature
Sullen and unrendering,
They’re unforboding serets
Though
Try as they might
Cannot even mumble a single word
The words are there
So loud and clear
But fade to black
Prohibiting one to speak them
In fear
Away of one to protect thyself
Though at the same become misunderstood
And though try as I might to speak it to thee
There’s still so much to tell

Whats Next : Before Homecoming
Mood:  blue
Topic: Poem

Whats Next?: Before Homecoming
10/22/

Counting these days weve been apart
A day or two it has been now
And I can’t stand this feeling I have
My eyes don’t stray far from a photograph
Of last yr
Why
Why
He hasn’t had time to tell me anything
I’ve been gone
Will it all come out tonight
Or will it be hell?
As I anticipate
I know theres a reason i didnt wear mascara
Other than i forgot
Just this haunting feeling I have
Though try as I may
To prepare myself
Brace myself
I cant stand this
I want to scream
Being so far away from him
He could be doing god knows what
And I don’t know why I care
My jealousy of him moving on
Could tear me apart tonight
Could rip me from limb to limb and I sense something is to come
But there’s nothing I can do
Minutes tick by restlessly as there is nothing to do…
What’s next?

Conflict and Resolution
Mood:  blue
Topic: Poem

Conflict and Resolution (After Homecoming)
10/22/05

With limbs of deadness I trudged through the door
Shaking off my dads nonsense
Coming from his mouth
I drown it out
I grab nearest clothes to me and head
To the one place
I find
I can sort my thoughts
The rained for above
Turned up to a barely tolerable scorch
That relaxes aching muscles
And like a child I sat ad midst it all
Upon the floor
Curled into a nothingness
I wished to disappear to
Burning eyes from excessive tear loss
Sigh as they close
Letting it (wash/strip) need word away my sorrow
My pain and my tears
And down the drain
Pensating on the events of the night
My head aches
From the adrenaline coursed through my veins
Warming me on this cold night
And onslaught of anger
In the making
My stomach clench
I became so upset to the point
I almost let it all out
As I haphazardly choked on tears
That’s was my night
I see him
Over and over again
Just
Walking away
I kicked him
Myself as I cried without disdain? Regret fear
The voices all around I blocked out
AS I realized
This night
Was going be
Anything but
Happy, sunshine and flowers
It’s been two days
And it’s driving me insane already
The peoples
All
Who tried to make me feel better?
Smile
Him and I confronted by a friend
The conclusion a heart to heart tomorrow night
My feeling of year for rubber bands
The lies
Misconception
Fears
Confusions
Hate
Love
Anger
Drama
Opening my eyes I realize
I’m still here
And what’s done is done
Something of the past
Has gotten me
Nowhere
Cause there’s no turning back now

Something I Will Show Him
Mood:  blue
Topic: Poem

Something I Will Show Him
10/20/05

-I’m sorry if this seems like an over exaggeration but I am..well..you saw…
I knew he did it
I saw it in a dream
I knew he did it
I saw it with whom
But I disregarded it
As something untrue
All a lie
It couldn’t be real
Why would he
Do
This to me
We a; keep inside
The things we feel we must hide
From the world
Not wanting to face the reality
That
One day
It shall
And then they’d see
It’s too late
And what pain it is
To hurt those around you
Cheating
Is a large mistake?
I would know
I will admit
I am but perfect
There’s many mistakes I’ve made
That I can’t turn back on
But at least
I had it
In me
To tell him the truth
Instead of letting it manifest
Into something more
Her sister told me
All of this
That he realized his mistakes
He wanted to keep me in his life
Then why?
If he did
Didn’t he tell me?
I want to tell him all of it now
But the call won’t go through
Just as I’ve found my voice again
He has changed
And it isn’t doing anyone any good
I’m sad to say
Maybe he realized this
Maybe he hasn’t
I guess we’ll never known
I hope only
That he realizes
Before someone gets hurt
I wish I could’ve told him then
But I just broke down
When he was there
In a little IM box
But came out
Naught
It’s too late…

I resolve to tell him
If not make him see
If he really cares
Has a heart
He will understand
How much it hurt me to let him go
And I hate seeing him this way
The way things have changed
Everything this year
Isn’t the same…

Wonder 10/18/05
Mood:  blue
Topic: Poem

Wonder
10/18/05

Sometimes I wonder
What's going on inside his head
His adept concealment from the world
Does any but east my dread
Sometimes I wonder
Why I get theses feelings that I do
Sometimes I wonder
Why I allow it to eat away at me
Sit back and let it happen
When I could prevent it
Change it all
Sometimes I wonder
Why
Like a nightmare that haunts
Once pleasant dreams
You have no control over it
As well as life
Sometimes I wonder
If I'm just asleep
And this is all a dream
My minds way to torment
Sometimes I wonder
If I shall ever awaken from this sickish(surreal) nightmare
Sometimes I wonder
Will you be there?
Will anyone?
Sometimes I wonder
If this really is me
Or just another weary soul
Another number of trillions
Another face in the crowd
Sustaining from birth
A child like naivete
Until the lies break through
Sometimes I wonder
If I should run and hide
And with whom my secrets I shall confide
Sometimes I wonder
If this fight is worth while
A never ending struggle
A dazed illusion
Shall ever find clarity
Sometimes I wonder
So many things about this world
My unrelentless curiosity
Kills me
And makes stronger what is left
Sometimes I wonder
If I shall ever find answers
To these wonders
Or like him
Will they slip away from my reach
"For a little time"
An eternity I know all too well
What's done, is done
Second chances come rare
It may be unfair
Mais, C'est la vie...

Yet Another Poem You'll Never See
Mood:  blue
Topic: Poem

Yet Another Poem You Will Never See
10/17/05

I waited
Every second closer
Another breath short
You act as though nothing happened(or is going to at least)
But distant still
Don't bring up the subject
Nor do I
As it forms upon my lips
Just minutes after gym
No one around
But I'm mute
And then during gym
I just burst from anger
All this stuff pent up inside of me
Stating to take its toll
I feel somewhat better I guess
More or less at ease
Submitting to this torture
Every second that you are near
Every second you look into my eyes
I don't know what to make of it
You conceal yourself
Your emotions
So well
Unlike I
Why cant I talk to you?
Everyone keeps asking me what's wrong
But I have not what to say
I don't want anyone mad at you
For something you didn't say
On the bus and after I saw you in the morning
It took so much to fight the tears
I just walked away
From it all
I couldn't take it
Mikey followed me to class
I'm so lucky to heave a friend like him
Cause no one else seemed to care
Only asking to be polite
Wouldn't listen
When I was finally ready to talk
Sigh
I know you read my poem last night
I wanted to ask you that as well
But the bell rang and people came
And then you left
Oh god I can't stand it anymore
Please tell me this isn't real
And soon I shall awaken from this nightmare
But when?
Will you be there?
Or will you have left by then?

The Tradgedy Inevitable 10/17/05
Mood:  blue
Topic: Poem

The Tragedy Inevitable
10/17/05

On the surface I look calm and ready
Though deep inside my heart beats but steady
My stomach clenches miserably
And I can't breathe
On the verge of crying again
These eyes
Turn a sickly shade of dark green
The rubber bands appear again
Nails sharpened
To bite into my palms
If need be
Deep inside I want to run
Flee
Far away from here
As I know the answer all too well
Will be
Its over
But if I move on
With whom shall it be
I see no other fit
But maybe
There is
Im just to blind to see
As I was with you
Hun
Your not cursed
And your definatly not a bad boyfriennd
So maybe things arent going too well
When don’t they?
In the end things seem to iron out
And if we are that tough
I have faith we can see it through
But you don’t
Do you?
Sigh
Its 5:30 in the morning
Getting ready for the day
I don’t even know why I try
The retakes are going to be just as worse
Im the one whos cursed
And after today i'll have noone to look puty for
Sad but almost true
Sigh
If only he knew
How mch he means to me
I can to some extent
Express it in my poems
Those you don’t see
So it's usless
Cause I don’t have enough in me to show them to you
Maybe its better off this way
My optimism is fading now
I guess all that’s left is to wait and see
Wait for it to unfold
The tradgedy inevitable
Its in the air
The signs
Loud and clear
Its over
Sigh